Anatomy, Evolution and Creationism, According to Oliver
Yesterday morning, as I was drying off after a shower, Oliver stood in the bathroom waiting for my attendance on some important matter (I forget what - possibly getting him a lemon rocket from the freezer? More about the new ice cream maker later, when I'm ready to post some recipes. And did you know? A lemon rocket works just as well as medicine at curing a sore tummy. More placebo, anyone?).
We're having another one of the endless, unavoidable conversations that define Oliver's very essence. And after exclaiming about bits of my anatomy that are "HUGE, Mommy!" (and not just huge, either, but "HUMONGOUS, Mommy!"), he segues smoothly into:
"Mommy, why don't you have a winkie?"
Okay. We've had this conversation before. He understands about boys and girls, but the somewhat disturbing revelation a few weeks ago that certain stereotypes are fixed in his little brain means, maybe, that we need to have this conversation again.
"Because girls don't have winkies."
No pause whatsoever: "Do you just wee out your bum?"
Okay. Fair enough. Given his limited four-year-old knowledge of anatomy, this is not an unreasonable assumption. Better go for a little straight talking here.
"No, I poop out my bum, just like you. I wee out a different spot, just like you, only it's not a winkie, it's a little hole."
There is a reason I'm not a urologist.
"Oh. Did they not put a winkie on you because they were building a girl?"
Whoa, cowboy. They? I should point out here that Oliver has had exactly zero exposure to any sort of religion. Nor have we had any dinner discussions about evolution. Or aliens, for that matter. Who are these "they" in his head who are BUILDING PEOPLE? And are they hiring? Because I have a friend who is looking for more challenging employment. Or do you suppose building people is a monotonous, low-skill job? Are there any qualifications necessary, or do they offer on-the-job training? Is there a middle management level? Because I'm thinking that the position of Quality Control Engineer has been vacant for, oh, ever. Think about it: have you ever seen a baby with one of those "Inspected by #26" stickers? And how many mistakes do they let through? Will they be issuing any kind of a recall program? Or is the whole manufacturing process still in a beta phase?
But it's too early in the morning for me to manage anything more difficult than the wee/bum question, so I steady myself on the towel bar to stop the spinning in my brain, and I answer, simply, "Yes."
"Oh," he says, not missing a beat. "Then I wonder why they gave Ouma short hair?"
...
...
... And that moment right there? That's where you surrender completely, and offer all manner of riches and power, just so you no longer have to face the inner workings of that mind.
Which is, I think, how our president got elected.
We're having another one of the endless, unavoidable conversations that define Oliver's very essence. And after exclaiming about bits of my anatomy that are "HUGE, Mommy!" (and not just huge, either, but "HUMONGOUS, Mommy!"), he segues smoothly into:
"Mommy, why don't you have a winkie?"
Okay. We've had this conversation before. He understands about boys and girls, but the somewhat disturbing revelation a few weeks ago that certain stereotypes are fixed in his little brain means, maybe, that we need to have this conversation again.
"Because girls don't have winkies."
No pause whatsoever: "Do you just wee out your bum?"
Okay. Fair enough. Given his limited four-year-old knowledge of anatomy, this is not an unreasonable assumption. Better go for a little straight talking here.
"No, I poop out my bum, just like you. I wee out a different spot, just like you, only it's not a winkie, it's a little hole."
There is a reason I'm not a urologist.
"Oh. Did they not put a winkie on you because they were building a girl?"
Whoa, cowboy. They? I should point out here that Oliver has had exactly zero exposure to any sort of religion. Nor have we had any dinner discussions about evolution. Or aliens, for that matter. Who are these "they" in his head who are BUILDING PEOPLE? And are they hiring? Because I have a friend who is looking for more challenging employment. Or do you suppose building people is a monotonous, low-skill job? Are there any qualifications necessary, or do they offer on-the-job training? Is there a middle management level? Because I'm thinking that the position of Quality Control Engineer has been vacant for, oh, ever. Think about it: have you ever seen a baby with one of those "Inspected by #26" stickers? And how many mistakes do they let through? Will they be issuing any kind of a recall program? Or is the whole manufacturing process still in a beta phase?
But it's too early in the morning for me to manage anything more difficult than the wee/bum question, so I steady myself on the towel bar to stop the spinning in my brain, and I answer, simply, "Yes."
"Oh," he says, not missing a beat. "Then I wonder why they gave Ouma short hair?"
...
...
... And that moment right there? That's where you surrender completely, and offer all manner of riches and power, just so you no longer have to face the inner workings of that mind.
Which is, I think, how our president got elected.
posted by amy at
9:39 PM
